10. Jan, 2016

Hua Hin and the Penis Shrine

A few days in Bangkok offered me the chance to visit ‘Chao Mae Tuptim’, also known as ‘The Penis Shrine’. It’s only a 5-10 minute walk from ‘Chit Lom’ BTS station, though it will take much longer if, like me, you’re too stubborn to ask for directions – I applied to join a Map Reading club once and even they told me to get lost. It’s located on a corner of what seems to be the entrance to an office block, inside the grounds itself. You’ll have to walk past the building security guard, though he’ll gladly point you in the right direction with no qualms, unlike the rude security guard in ‘French Connection’ who accused me of shoplifting once – he was a right cnut. 

My summary of the shrine would be as follows: “far smaller than I expected, a bit weird looking, and potential to be very awkward and uncomfortable”. Ironically, this is the same summary women make about my penis. It made for an interesting day out though. An ex once compared my jokes to my penis – she said they were both anti-climactic. The difference is that no-one laughs at my jokes. 

She also once made me aware of the 4 kinds of orgasms that women can have.

The positive orgasm: “Yes, yes, yes, YEEEESSS!”

The negative orgasm: “No, no, no, WOOOOO!”

The religious orgasm: “OH MY GOD!”

The fake orgasm: “Oh, Ems….Ems….Ems….” 

With this in mind, and the fact that I was visiting a shrine, I felt compelled to pray. Here is my prayer:

Penis Spirit, with whom I speak,

Please don’t make my willy weak

Make it strong, and make it long

And please don’t make it look all wrong

My wish is simple, I hope you hear

To have sex with two…..in the same year

I beg you now to heed my calls

About this thing above my balls

Please, oh please, just give it work

I’m sick and tired of having to jerk

And when it happens (if you are kind)

I ask one more thing if you don’t mind

Don’t let me come until she’s done

For premature is never fun *

Penis spirit, to you I pray

Please look kindly on what I say

Amen

*(or so I’m told, ahem)

From Bangkok, I headed south to the beach town of ‘Hua Hin’, a small town that has a bizarre mix of posh-ness (5* hotels, expensive gourmet restaurants) and seediness (a prominent red light district with women running after you, begging to give you a happy-ending massage). A family or a couple could very much enjoy a holiday here…..a lone man not interested in paying for sex would just feel harassed. 

There are plenty of places to stay, and prices tend to be fairly standard all over (approximately 500B per night), and for that price you could do a lot worse than ‘Pattana Guest House’ I know this because on the third night I had to stay elsewhere, and it WAS a lot worse than ‘Pattana Guest House’! I forget the name, but I’m sure it’ll come back to me in a future counselling session. It was hidden away and doesn’t appear in a Lonely Planet guide – usually (but not always) a bad sign. It overlooked the sea (which was nice), but also overlooked hygiene, good service, and comfort. 

Despite the above, the most important part of any beach holiday of course, is the beach itself. The beach is…….nice enough. Careful if you’re wading through the shallow waters as there are hidden rocks that have the potential to break big toes if one walks into them….if one happens to be a clumsy s0d. I’d still go again though, if just for the convenience (easy to get to from where I live), but I wouldn’t recommend adding it to your itinerary if you’re backpacking through Thailand – there are better places to go……like a penis shrine for example.